Hold Still No More

Perfection: Ego’s Deception

Do you love yourself? Why? No, seriously answer the question for yourself. If you have no idea why you love yourself, you will flounder with understanding why someone else would love you as well.

Do you know who you are? If you do not know who you are you may find yourself thinking and doing what someone else wants you to be. A people pleaser….you might even doubt another person’s love for you because you never really gave them the real you.

Do you accept that you make mistakes? If you cannot accept yourself as flawed, you may never believe someone can love you unless you are perfect.

The constant desire and quest for perfection may lead to you loving yourself less, and when we love ourselves less we subconsciously desire others to love us less. Then we believe if we were only better or more we might be loved more. But the inability to achieve perfection leads us to loving ourselves less… and so on and so on.

The quest for perfection is the ego’s deception. The fool’s game of an unending cycle which leads no one into more love of themselves and more love from others.

Supporting children as codependents

What does it mean to support our children? When we hear the word support what does it cue or trigger for us? Do we attach the unspoken “unconditional” in order to provide support we may have never received as a child ourselves. I know for me, support is something I can go overboard on especially since I felt I did not receive adequate support growing up. But anytime parenting styles swing to extreme the one to lose is the child. Currently I am working on having a specific kind of support for the situation and not be available in any way my child thinks they need in order to prove I am supportive. This has become more challenging lately as I have adult children and supporting them financially is not always what I am capable of, and I have wondered if I am being supportive. My counselor said you can offer emotional support and still be supportive even when you cannot offer financial support and suddenly a light bulb went off as to how I view support and give support to my children. If the support is what I am capable of in the moment, and not everything my developing child thinks they need I am handling my own boundaries better, and I am teaching my child the give and take of a healthy relationship. In doing so my child can further learn how to rely on themselves, problem solve and be supported by their mom at the same time.

Teach Positive Self Talk

As a former codependent, positive self talk did not come natural to me. Parenting positively and teaching my children positive self talk came more natural to me, but what we model to our children has great impact. What we do versus what we say is the greater of the two teachers. After my recovery, I watched my daughter struggle with many of the same issues I had–especially with bullies. In hearing about her struggles I had a choice, I could jump on the complain train and focus on the other person’s behavior toward her, or I could use this as an opportunity to teach my child how to help herself when anyone speaks to her in a way that hurts her feelings. Then reinforcing this at other opportune moments, keeps the message consistent and a life lesson and not just about certain people. Because let’s face it, some people–especially family members are in our lives and it is best to learn how to be healthy around them because we can only change ourselves. Teaching my daughter to have simple phrases she can remember and repeat to herself when feeling bullied can help her lift herself out of the challenging emotional state. Phrases like “I am proud of me” “I learn from my mistakes” “I am confident in me” “Progress not perfection” “I know when to ask for help” “I can ask for a break” “I can step away to take a breath” Writing these down on a note card that your child can have in their backpack and take with them helps them remember even when they are not around you.

Remember if you or your child is being abused please seek professional help. The information on this website is intended for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional help.

Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash