When I first learned and worked on my codependency I had no idea how many areas of my life were infiltrated. It was the teachings of Terrence Gorski in his book Getting Love Right which opened my eyes the most. He spoke of eight problem areas in relationships. These areas are also where we can make great changes toward healthier relationships. These areas are: Expectations, Gratification, Communication, Influence, Trust, Boundaries, Sociability, and Consequences. Let’s take Expectations. Gorski says, “One reason [expectations are problematic] is that many people, particularly those from dysfunctional families, are unaware of their needs. Their emotional hunger has left them with a general feeling of want, need or deprivation. They feel motivated to make these feelings go away, but because they don’t know what their needs are, they cannot develop a rational plan to do so.” As a result we can have too high of expectations or too little. The goal is for expectations to be realistic and appropriate. “In healthy relationships, the expectations are realistic. Each partner has taken the time to assess his or her relationship expectations, needs and wants and waits until he or she finds a partner who seems likely to be capable of fulfilling them. ”
Ask yourself key questions such as What do I expect from my partner? I found I also needed to ask these questions of my children. What do I expect from my children? Gorski’s questions include: What do I expect from my partner? What does my partner expect from me? What roles are we expected to fulfill? What kinds of things are we required to do or not do in order to make a relationship work?
Asking ourselves critical questions is an important step to being honest with ourselves and becoming more self aware. If we cannot ask questions of ourselves we cannot ask questions of our relationships.
