Children of divorce live with some of their innocence lost. To complicate matters, it is very easy for a parent to bad-mouth the other parent to solidify greater loyalty or favoritism. There is a huge problem with putting our children in this position. The first, is part of their DNA bonds them to the other parent, so at a subconscious level when we bad-mouth the other parent we bad-mouth them. The second, is a smart child will see that bad-mouthing the other parent could gain them more love and attention and use negativity toward the other parent to increase and manipulate for more love and attention from you. If your child is doing this, resist. Resist resist. It would be so easy to jump on that band wagon and feel guilt free if your child is doing bad-mouthing….but there is consequences later on.
I figured out a long time ago with my oldest daughter, the only way to really love her unconditionally while she negotiated her visitations with her dad was to keep my thoughts and feelings about him completely to myself. In doing so, my daughter would turn to me with whatever she was feeling and feel it was an emotionally safe space to share her thoughts and feelings. No judgments, no insertion of my own opinion. She could tell me if she missed him, loved him, was angry with him or hated him. Whatever she felt in the moments she could share. This was the way I chose to be her support. Not forcing her to take my opinion and in doing so risk pushing her away.
Love our children as people, not pawns
If we love our children as little people and not as pawns, we give a great gift to not only them but to ourselves. In the end we strengthen our relationship with them.